It’s March and I just rediscovered my blog!! Back in November, my computer died and I got one in February. I somehow forgot about this awesome way to vent/ learn and now I’m back again to share. Sadly, I am now on the cusp of 27 and still at the same point. I’ve basically traveled in a circle… moved to Toronto in June, back to Barbados in December, Toronto in January, Barbados in February… what has changed? I’ve had 3 jobs that were grossly disappointing including one for which I am yet to be paid. People keep telling me that I have a great product, and I keep feeling terrible because I’m still not able to get it out there… the jobs were supposed to do that but turned into attempts to kill me/ rip me off. Needless to say, 2011 was not a good year. I had high hopes for 2012 (i still do) but things still seem slow in materializing. Realizing that I must focus on my personal growth, I’m still on a quest to lose weight, meditate, become a photographer, travel the world, run successful companies, marry the man of my dreams…. blah blah blah. I long for the day when these goals become a reality. I’m not sure where to start but I’m tired of attracting losers and abusers of my kindness. It’s been two years climbing this mountain, but with God’s help, I know I will soon reach the top!
It’s so easy to be stabbed by harsh words. To let them penetrate you and become a part of you who are. It’s also easier for someone to say something negative and discouraging than to express the opposite. Why is that? Is this true for just my race or all races? Is it true for only Bajans or the rest of the world too? To my disappointment, I realized very recently that strangers are much faster to compliment you than friends and family. My business was a testament of this, as my greatest, most vocal fans weren’t from my closest circle, but from people who never know I existed before they tried my creations. Business for me was a test of resilience to negativity and I lost the battle because I felt that I needed someone other than my loving Mr. to tell me how great my work was and inspire me. Now I know better. Those closest to me don’t actually wish me great success. Isn’t that a depressing thing to write? I mean, why would you keep people close to you who don’t actually want you to be better? And this is my exact point!! A really inspirational guy (whose book I never bought) said something on Facebook that always sticks with me… Surround yourself with people who speak to the King or Queen in you.. This is something I’m trying hard to do, but until I find my kingdom, I have a different approach. Accentuate the positive! Find the good, the inspirational, the ‘kick your but into gear’ that puts the fire in your belly and pushes you forward. If someone says “You can’t” tell them “Thanks for the encouragement, I love proving people wrong!” However, I must confess that this attitude is something I am still working to develop. I have to learn not to tell people my desires and my goals, just to focus on the task at hand. This will lead to less explaining and more doing.
I’m depressed because in 2 days I will no longer be a 25yr old. I’ll be in my late 20’s. With so much more to achieve, I feel like such a failure. I’m heavier now than I was 10yrs ago when I first started my weight loss efforts. My emotional eating is worse and I feel like my relationship is becoming more stagnant. Way too often I feel like I’m with someone who doesn’t love me equally, who doesn’t treat me with respect or go the extra mile to prove his love. Maybe I allow it because I feel I don’t deserve better. Maybe I love him more than I love myself. I looked at Kate Middleton today, I saw how much thought she put into her wedding and I saw a man who loved her. I saw a lot of her in me but she was more cohesive, confident, ready, happier and healthier. When I get married I want to be like Kate. I want to feel like I have a prince and I am his princess and not his servant wife. I wanted to believe that my bf would pull out all the stops for my 26th and final birthday in Barbados (for a while) and that he would take the opportunity to show me that I mean the world to him. Instead he is being a major asshole… I hate him for ruining this for me and the day isn’t here yet. Its probably my fault. I need to change, I need a new attitude. I need to put myself first and ignore everyone else.
I am a sharer. I always have been. If you just say the magic words that ignite the passion in me, I will talk your ear off. When I think aloud, I get more excited and I verbalize ideas. Here lies the problem… recipients of this passion enriched vomit often mistake my ideas as commitments. With me, nothing is set in stone unless it’s written in blood. I need to put myself on mute so I will avoid the trouble of interpretations of ideas as verbal commitments. I know confrontation is a part of life and business, but I despise it and must work hard to avoid a recurrence of recent events. How do I mute my passion? Or at least censor it for the right audience?
Its been a little while since I last blogged and I hope to change that. I’ve been going through so much I just decided to unplug for a while. Due to financial circumstances, I’ve been forced to sell my car and close my business. While I love my company and recognize that there is potential for it to become a billion dollar enterprise, there are fundamental cracks in the existing structure. I know how to fix most of these issues but it will require two main things, cash flow and time. Its all part of the lessons learned! Right now I’m in need of financial stability and personal development so I’m taking a break from entrepreneurship to focus of being a happier, more confident, healthier version of myself. Another brick…