Back again!

Posted: March 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

It’s March and I just rediscovered my blog!! Back in November, my computer died and I got one in February. I somehow forgot about this awesome way to vent/ learn and now I’m back again to share. Sadly, I am now on the cusp of 27 and still at the same point. I’ve basically traveled in a circle… moved to Toronto in June, back to Barbados in December, Toronto in January, Barbados in February… what has changed? I’ve had 3 jobs that were grossly disappointing including one for which I am yet to be paid. People keep telling me that I have a great product, and I keep feeling terrible because I’m still not able to get it out there… the jobs were supposed to do that but turned into attempts to kill me/ rip me off. Needless to say, 2011 was not a good year. I had high hopes for 2012 (i still do) but things still seem slow in materializing. Realizing that I must focus on my personal growth, I’m still on a quest to lose weight, meditate, become a photographer, travel the world, run successful companies, marry the man of my dreams…. blah blah blah. I long for the day when these goals become a reality. I’m not sure where to start but I’m tired of attracting losers and abusers of my kindness. It’s been two years climbing this mountain, but with God’s help, I know I will soon reach the top!

It’s so easy to be stabbed by harsh words. To let them penetrate you and become a part of you who are. It’s also easier for someone to say something negative and discouraging than to express the opposite. Why is that? Is this true for just my race or all races? Is it true for only Bajans or the rest of the world too? To my disappointment, I realized very recently that strangers are much faster to compliment you than friends and family. My business was a testament of this, as my greatest, most vocal fans weren’t from my closest circle, but from people who never know I existed before they tried my creations. Business for me was a test of resilience to negativity and I lost the battle because I felt that I needed someone other than my loving Mr. to tell me how great my work was and inspire me. Now I know better. Those closest to me don’t actually wish me great success. Isn’t that a depressing thing to write? I mean, why would you keep people close to you who don’t actually want you to be better? And this is my exact point!! A really inspirational guy (whose book I never bought) said something on Facebook that always sticks with me… Surround yourself with people who speak to the King or Queen in you.. This is something I’m trying hard to do, but until I find my kingdom, I have a different approach. Accentuate the positive! Find the good, the inspirational, the ‘kick your but into gear’ that puts the fire in your belly and pushes you forward. If someone says “You can’t” tell them “Thanks for the encouragement, I love proving people wrong!” However, I must confess that this attitude is something I am still working to develop. I have to learn not to tell people my desires and my goals, just to focus on the task at hand. This will lead to less explaining and more doing.

Rogue Sheep

Posted: May 16, 2011 in Deconstructing, Staying sane

For one day, about 18hrs, I changed my blackberry messenger name to Rogue Sheep. My father was greatly offended and informed me that I was being immature and an embarrassment to him and me! Shocked to the point of laughter, all I could do was explain that he was being silly, its my phone and my account and I can call myself what I please and it shouldn’t bother him. Then I explained that a rogue sheep is one who goes against the herd. This definition angered him more for unknown reasons… Whatever, laughing it off with my friend made me feel much better. But it goes to show, doing something that makes you happy will offend others… Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it, after all your happiness is the only one that counts!

26, time to grow up

Posted: April 29, 2011 in Uncategorized

I’m depressed because in 2 days I will no longer be a 25yr old. I’ll be in my late 20’s. With so much more to achieve, I feel like such a failure. I’m heavier now than I was 10yrs ago when I first started my weight loss efforts. My emotional eating is worse and I feel like my relationship is becoming more stagnant. Way too often I feel like I’m with someone who doesn’t love me equally, who doesn’t treat me with respect or go the extra mile to prove his love. Maybe I allow it because I feel I don’t deserve better. Maybe I love him more than I love myself. I looked at Kate Middleton today, I saw how much thought she put into her wedding and I saw a man who loved her. I saw a lot of her in me but she was more cohesive, confident, ready, happier and healthier. When I get married I want to be like Kate. I want to feel like I have a prince and I am his princess and not his servant wife. I wanted to believe that my bf would pull out all the stops for my 26th and final birthday in Barbados (for a while) and that he would take the opportunity to show me that I mean the world to him. Instead he is being a major asshole… I hate him for ruining this for me and the day isn’t here yet. Its probably my fault. I need to change, I need a new attitude. I need to put myself first and ignore everyone else.

Mute me

Posted: April 27, 2011 in Uncategorized

I am a sharer. I always have been. If you just say the magic words that ignite the passion in me, I will talk your ear off. When I think aloud, I get more excited and I verbalize ideas. Here lies the problem… recipients of this passion enriched vomit often mistake my ideas as commitments.  With me, nothing is set in stone unless it’s written in blood. I need to put myself on mute so I will avoid the trouble of interpretations of ideas as verbal commitments. I know confrontation is a part of life and business, but I despise it and must work hard to avoid a recurrence of recent events. How do I mute my passion? Or at least censor it for the right audience?

Recently,  I overcame a very difficult point in my life… Charlie Sheen after his very public meltdown adopted this whole thing about “winning” and I was very confused. How can you talk about winning when you look like you’re losing? The answer is simple, start winning!  I was so unsure about so many things in my life and I chose to stay inside until I figured out my challenges. I spent alot of time thinking about every thing that is wrong… no job, no money, debt, no freedom to travel, being over weight… whoa, talk about a bath in depression! Little did I know that even though I tried to hide from the world, my immediate circle was being bomarded with my problems and my perception of these issues was much greater than the issues themselves. After I stepped out into the ‘real world’ about 3 weeks later… I encountered several people. One openly expressed all the negatives that I had been feeling and allowing to fester inside and hearing her speak them aloud to me without prompting made me realize how miserable and annoying I must have been during my  ‘dark’ period. After I met her, I made a decision not to go to that place again.  Shortly after, I met another and she was completely the opposite… newly wed, slim, stylish, motivated and totally in control. I decided that she would be my role model until I become the person I know that I can be. Later, I met someone who was probably in the place that I was heading had I not corrected course and it reaffirmed that I must make changes. People always bring messages with them. Its important to listen to what information you are being offered. I thought my asking people questions was a weakness because i seemed like I was looking for validation, but I have come to realize that I am seeking additional information and there is nothing wrong with that at all. I have always been the person that people open up to. Complete strangers look at me and tell me intimate details about them  that I need not know, but now I find it important to ask, what is the message? Today, I met with my weight loss group… I’ve been trying to lose weight for 10 years!! I lost a bit in the past, slacked off, gained it, and continued the cycle. My session today seemed unproductive but it taught me one important thing… do what worked in the past! It applies to me trying to find revenue and become financially stable and it applies to my weight loss too. I’ve decided to continue my business because that is what generated my revenue in the past. I won’t be doing the same thing, the same way again, but I certainly will be focusing on what I’m good at and what worked out in the past.

Here’s what I’ve learnt so far from the past:

Drinking Lemon juice in water is a wonderful detox for the  skin, it also gave me lots of energy, helped me to be more focused, make better eating decisions and ensures that I drink my 8 glasses of water (especially when you put it in a 1.5l bottle). Here’s a new twist on the old tried and true… A super refreshing, detoxifying, calming, beverage concotion… 1/2 cup rose water, 1/2 cup water, 1/8 lemon and it’s juice all combined and served over ice.

Taking calcium and magnesium daily to counter depression and stay frequent. I need to make this a regular habit… it always helps me feel better when I’m down and I just forget to take it!

Cleanse, tone, moisturise my face daily with Neutrogena Healthy Skin. Whenever I try to get all ‘creative’ with my skincare regimen or if I slack off my skin looks awful. Not to mention that I love to squeeze my acne when I’m bored :( By just following this simple regimen, twice a day my skin always looks great! I need to stop deviating.

Exercise, even if for  a few minutes a day. Some people may scoff at the idea of exercising just 5 minutes a day, but when I do abs, I feel them all day long and the pain reminds me that I am making progress and need to make better choices to see results. I love muscle training for this reason, but the gym is out of my budget so me and my trusty kettlebell will be working out with youtube! I know  I still need some endurance workouts though, not sure how to get those in… yoga was it for me (not quite cardio but it is demanding! and I loved the mental clarity)

Surround yourself with people who make you excited. If you’re having a conversation and you’re not excited, exit immediately!! I called the people that make me feel depressed/ sad energy vampires and I know I should avoid them, but like a moth to a flame, I am drawn to charity cases who often bite me in the ass….  I have decided to surround myself only with people who make me feel amazing… the list is short but growing!

I must end my love affair with white rice and revert to ‘what worked’ in the past… little meat, mostly seafood, high protein, no flour, lots of large mixed salads… snacking on apple slices with cinnamon powder on top, drinking black coffee and yerba mate.

Make a note of recommendations from conversations… people frequently mention things like Think and grow rich, The Secret, Rebel Billionaire, Freakonomics, Rich Dad, poor dad, 7 habits of highly effective people, how to win friends and influence people… I will make time and money later in the year to acquire and read these things.

Lessons Learned

Posted: March 30, 2011 in Uncategorized

Its been a little while since I last blogged and I hope to change that. I’ve been going through so much I just decided to unplug for a while. Due to financial circumstances, I’ve been forced to sell my car and close my business. While I love my company and recognize that there is potential for it to become a billion dollar enterprise, there are fundamental cracks in the existing structure. I know how to fix most of these issues but it will require two main things, cash flow and time. Its all part of the lessons learned! Right now I’m in need of financial stability and personal development so I’m taking a break from entrepreneurship to focus of being a happier, more confident, healthier version of myself. Another brick…